Rejuvenating Summer?

What feels like months later, I write again. With Blair home more these last few weeks I have enjoyed more activity but have had much less quiet and/or productive time to myself. Today though, he is working and I'll use Ava's afternoon nap for a little personal catch-up. The house desperately needs to be cleaned but the little voice in my heart is saying that I have some thinking to do.

Remember all those great ideas that I listed for how to rejuvenate myself this summer and beyond? I don't think I've implemented one save for the week I made delicious chicken salad for lunch. I've been too busy with the here-and-now to plan for any big changes to occur! And even with the increase in family time and possibly more time "off" from mommy duties (though it doesn't feel like it), I still find myself with an unspeakably small capacity for life in general. I have been waking up tired, frustrated a lot with whatever isn't going my way, feeling cheated out of time to myself or even the option to sleep when I want to sleep or whatever. Darn! I thought this would get better when Blair was home more and we were living the summer of my dreams. Alas, that's not the case. So this got me thinking... could it be that I'm missing something? A big piece to this puzzle of my unending exhaustion and sacrifice. Yes, I think so.

Not surprisingly, I have had almost zero time with God this last month. With no set time for him I'm really lacking in personal and spiritual growth. This has a lot to do with my immediate grudge-holding that Blair gets to sleep in when I don't, that I don't get a day off when I have a cold, that I don't have a lot of options anymore, that Ava isn't taking a good nap (like it's her fault?). And the list goes on. I know in my head that these things just come along with being a mom and I LOVE being a mom, and yet I find myself happy with it for about five minutes before Ava starts fussing or something else happens.

So... again, not surprisingly, I am finding myself in need of Jesus. It even hurts to admit it because sometimes it seems I would so much rather go through life self-sufficient and having people owe me something rather than the other way around. But this again, is not the case. How do I bridge that gap though between knowing that I need Jesus in my life everyday and not wanting to give up on all my demands? It feels like to soften and let God in to help me through these struggles will inevitably leave me having to do everything myself, having to sacrifice immeasurably and yet having to do so with a smile--a happy servant. That doesn't sound good to a tired mom. I know that isn't true though, that God's not asking me to sacrifice more than I can, but simply to stop demanding of Blair and Ava and myself what only he can provide--rest, sustenance, energy, life. Oh man. This is hard! When I am demanding there is the hope that someone might meet my demands and I'll get what I want, though the whole process is totally draining. God promises to meet my needs (therefore securing my hope) and that process of relying on him is supposedly actually energizing. Why am I fighting what seems to be an obvious choice? All those with similar struggles, feel free to chime in. In the meantime, this tired mom is going to make some kind of effort to turn to Jesus when it feels like everything is "up to me".

A Kathryn update

My eight minutes have turned into about eight seconds lately... I'm not sure how it happened but I have been busy! Blair has been home more this last week which has been wonderful, we even went out one day during one of Ava's naps (this is a shocker for me) and visited the duck pond on campus, did some shopping downtown and walked about ten miles. It feels so good to have some family time, some me-time and to just have an extra pair of hands around the house.

In keeping with the busyness, we are leaving Thursday for a trip down to my sister's for the weekend. We've had very limited time with my side of the family in the last year so we're hoping for some saturated cousin/aunt and uncle/grandparents time. Traveling is stressful for me because usually it means Ava doesn't sleep well and I have to make hard decisions about skipping or moving naps. Since Ava was born her naps have been a huge priority for me and we rarely skip one or nap outside the home. So... there's always a little anxiety about that before trips but I know in the grand scheme of things it is good for her (and me) and we'll have a great time! I love naps but in some ways am looking forward to the day when there are no naps to miss!

Yesterday we celebrated my second Mother's Day and it was a really great day. Blair made me breakfast in bed and I got up to pictures of Ava taped all over the house. It was so great to sort of celebrate Ava all day too, I spent much of the day remembering how great it's been to be her mom for the last 14 months and looking at pictures of her as a wee little baby. I love being a mom more than anything and it's fun to have a day not only to be celebrated for it but to be reminded that I have the best job in the world.

a 27th year

This weekend was my 27th birthday and Blair's 26th. We packed in lots of fun, it was exhausting but great! I got a mani-pedi for the first time since... I don't know, my wedding? We went out to dinner (twice), got some time out without Ava, and I got some bathroom accessories! I'm so excited. Sadly, that was the best part of weekend I think! I put up the shower curtain (it totally transforms the room even with the unmatched blue walls) and Blair got me my soap pump and other sink necessities. I'm thrilled! Here's a progress shot of my lovely bathroom:

Just a baby step forward but it's something! It actually has an even bigger impact in real life, my phone camera isn't doing it justice. I also found on Craigslist a beautiful new vanity that I'm hoping we can get to replace this old one! We'll see if that works out.

Today Blair is working but this marks the beginning of his easier schedule for the summer. I am SO thankful. It was so nice to have him home these last couple days and I can't wait to start some of our summer projects and take some fun family day trips. Come on summer, I am ready for you!