a long time coming

I am shocked to visit my own blog and see that it's been three months since my last post! A few reasons for this... this summer Blair was home a lot more and therefore I had fewer reasons to find creative outlets for my madness. We were busy, traveling, swimming, playing and sun-shining, and there always seemed to be something to do or visitors to be had. That said, we're now into the rainy, chilly days of State College fall and I'm ready to do a little more personal blogging!

Of course as I start this, Ava just woke from her nap! Sigh. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive and well. And, that there has been movement since my last post about Etsy. I have finally finished my first prototype (I had to redo the whole design for my pack 'n play panels in order to make them sellable) and my friend Erin will be testing them for me. Once she gives me the ok, I'll be making a few to have on hand and then do custom orders via Etsy. I've been working hard these last couple months on getting my website up and running, designing a logo and the like. Pretty exciting! I'll be sure to let you know when I launch the site!

Etsy

One of my latest projects was making panels for the sides of our pack n' play for when we travel. Mom's know, especially once your kids get older the distractions of sleeping in a new place can be so enticing. So, this is what I came up with: two panels, both of which snap at the bottom or roll up and tie.

I posted pictures of the finished product on facebook and got a lot of comments from other moms about how great of an idea this was and how I should market it. I said thanks and yeah, yeah, until two different people suggested selling them on Etsy.

For a couple of years I've known about Etsy.com, an ebay of sorts for those selling homemade goods. It is incredibly intimidating though, many of the things sold are of professional quality and there's a lot I don't know about the whole process. Do I really need to make twenty different panels so that I have them on-hand in the hopes that someone will stumble upon my site? And when someone orders something, especially a custom job, what if I'm out of town or sick or whatever... I'm definitely not a savvy business woman, ready to pump out the products and head to UPS. I imagine there are other sellers like me on there, just stay-at-homers who came up with a unique idea, but it seems scary.

My question to any of you who have used Etsy before is, is this something I could really do? The extra cash would be great and I have my evenings free at home while Blair works anyway. Why not sew! I'm just picturing this being a moderate investment that doesn't go anywhere or I get horrible reviews because a seam isn't straight or something. The perfectionists worst nightmare! Let me know your thoughts...

"Peecum?" Let's Pray.

As you all know I've been struggling with feeling close to God and keeping my spiritual center centered since I had my baby girl. I've half-heartedly tried a lot of things to make God a part of my daily life again in a way that really helps me grow. I say half-heartedly because I felt like I didn't even have the time or energy to put any real change in motion. I needed something new and something to motivate me.

Little did I know, that motivator would be my daughter! The last few weeks Ava has learned to pray and often four or five times throughout meals will cross her arms over her body and look up at me, "Peecum?". I say, "Do you want to pray?" and she says, "Yeah!". So we pray. Usually for our food, thanking God for mommy, daddy, Ava and whoever or whatever else we think of. And at the end we get a cute, "Amen" from the little squeaker. I thought it was adorable and didn't think much of it until I realized this week that I'm actually feeling closer and more connected to God simply by thanking him for a few small things throughout the day! Who knew. It isn't a lot, but God's so blessing that time and drawing me closer to him. I am so grateful and I am even more in awe of how he's continuing to bless and surprise me through Ava. What a darling, sweet little heart, who doesn't know who Jesus is but still loves to read her Bible and pray to him all the time. It is magical to watch his name become a part of her vocabulary and to watch the whole revelation of Jesus from start to finish.

Thank you Jesus for my beautiful baby girl, for her heart for you and for all things good, and for using her to draw me closer to you.

Basement Bath Overhaul!

When we moved into our current home, I was very pregnant and very sick and couldn't have cared less about our basement bathroom. I told my mom to paint it the same off-white that we used in the foyer (which has also since been repainted) just to get it in working order. Since, we have made few changes and have actually had three different tenants use it over the last two years! After Linda, our latest tenant, moved out in May, I have been itching to make that bathroom more welcoming for our future renters and guests. Here is my project, done! It is SO gratifying and I now just LOVE it down there, a room that I used to avoid! And, might I add, this amazing transformation cost us a total of only $55!

BEFORE

AFTER

Wall color: Wal-Mart's Color Place paint in Pale Spruce $12. Since this isn't our main bathroom, using a cheaper all-purpose indoor paint will still last for a few years without chipping or bubbling.

Shower Curtain: Bed Bath and Beyond, though I saved $10 by buying on Ebay! Cost $30 after shipping.

Wall shelf: Target $14.99

I couldn't be happier with how it turned out, especially on such a low budget. I was motivated to finish it before our next renter moves in in August, now on to painting our upstairs bathroom and all my other projects... :)

Latest project to-do: A fixed roman shade

Even though my to-do list is still long, I've added a new project to it! I saw this on a blog I follow and am in love. I LOVE the look of Roman shades but nice ones (especially ones with a decent pattern) are so expensive and hard to find. I've been wanting some type of valance in our kitchen forever and ta da! I found this tutorial on how to make a fixed roman shade. A sewing project even I could master. In our kitchen, a fully functioning roman shade isn't necessary so this will be a great solution for me. I've never liked the dated look of any kind of valance so this is a great find--a half curtain that has the style of a whole one!

I still need to pick a fabric for ours which will be tough but I'm excited for the challenge. I am very picky when it comes to fabric but when I perused Joann's selection yesterday there looked to be some good options. The hard part will be finding something that will match now AND match whatever kitchen's we move into in the future, but I'll see what I can do.

For those interested in making your own, here is the how-to:

http://flythroughmywindow.blogspot.com/2009/06/fixed-flat-fold-roman-shade.html

Other projects I'm thinking about: I need to cover our existing couch pillows. I LOVE them and the fabric but they are falling apart, literally. They have button pulls in the middle and one-by-one they've started popping off or back into the pillow, a choking hazard waiting to happen. I'm so sad to see this fabric go though and will have a very hard time finding a replacement, I'm sure.

Did you know that amazon.com has an incredible selection of fabrics? I spent a few hours the other night looking through for these projects and a pack-n-play panel I'm making, and I was very happy with the thousands of options. The only drawbacks are you can't feel the fabric before buying and you have to pay shipping, but some projects don't require either. I'd definitely recommend amazon if you like to browse from home!

Rejuvenating Summer?

What feels like months later, I write again. With Blair home more these last few weeks I have enjoyed more activity but have had much less quiet and/or productive time to myself. Today though, he is working and I'll use Ava's afternoon nap for a little personal catch-up. The house desperately needs to be cleaned but the little voice in my heart is saying that I have some thinking to do.

Remember all those great ideas that I listed for how to rejuvenate myself this summer and beyond? I don't think I've implemented one save for the week I made delicious chicken salad for lunch. I've been too busy with the here-and-now to plan for any big changes to occur! And even with the increase in family time and possibly more time "off" from mommy duties (though it doesn't feel like it), I still find myself with an unspeakably small capacity for life in general. I have been waking up tired, frustrated a lot with whatever isn't going my way, feeling cheated out of time to myself or even the option to sleep when I want to sleep or whatever. Darn! I thought this would get better when Blair was home more and we were living the summer of my dreams. Alas, that's not the case. So this got me thinking... could it be that I'm missing something? A big piece to this puzzle of my unending exhaustion and sacrifice. Yes, I think so.

Not surprisingly, I have had almost zero time with God this last month. With no set time for him I'm really lacking in personal and spiritual growth. This has a lot to do with my immediate grudge-holding that Blair gets to sleep in when I don't, that I don't get a day off when I have a cold, that I don't have a lot of options anymore, that Ava isn't taking a good nap (like it's her fault?). And the list goes on. I know in my head that these things just come along with being a mom and I LOVE being a mom, and yet I find myself happy with it for about five minutes before Ava starts fussing or something else happens.

So... again, not surprisingly, I am finding myself in need of Jesus. It even hurts to admit it because sometimes it seems I would so much rather go through life self-sufficient and having people owe me something rather than the other way around. But this again, is not the case. How do I bridge that gap though between knowing that I need Jesus in my life everyday and not wanting to give up on all my demands? It feels like to soften and let God in to help me through these struggles will inevitably leave me having to do everything myself, having to sacrifice immeasurably and yet having to do so with a smile--a happy servant. That doesn't sound good to a tired mom. I know that isn't true though, that God's not asking me to sacrifice more than I can, but simply to stop demanding of Blair and Ava and myself what only he can provide--rest, sustenance, energy, life. Oh man. This is hard! When I am demanding there is the hope that someone might meet my demands and I'll get what I want, though the whole process is totally draining. God promises to meet my needs (therefore securing my hope) and that process of relying on him is supposedly actually energizing. Why am I fighting what seems to be an obvious choice? All those with similar struggles, feel free to chime in. In the meantime, this tired mom is going to make some kind of effort to turn to Jesus when it feels like everything is "up to me".

A Kathryn update

My eight minutes have turned into about eight seconds lately... I'm not sure how it happened but I have been busy! Blair has been home more this last week which has been wonderful, we even went out one day during one of Ava's naps (this is a shocker for me) and visited the duck pond on campus, did some shopping downtown and walked about ten miles. It feels so good to have some family time, some me-time and to just have an extra pair of hands around the house.

In keeping with the busyness, we are leaving Thursday for a trip down to my sister's for the weekend. We've had very limited time with my side of the family in the last year so we're hoping for some saturated cousin/aunt and uncle/grandparents time. Traveling is stressful for me because usually it means Ava doesn't sleep well and I have to make hard decisions about skipping or moving naps. Since Ava was born her naps have been a huge priority for me and we rarely skip one or nap outside the home. So... there's always a little anxiety about that before trips but I know in the grand scheme of things it is good for her (and me) and we'll have a great time! I love naps but in some ways am looking forward to the day when there are no naps to miss!

Yesterday we celebrated my second Mother's Day and it was a really great day. Blair made me breakfast in bed and I got up to pictures of Ava taped all over the house. It was so great to sort of celebrate Ava all day too, I spent much of the day remembering how great it's been to be her mom for the last 14 months and looking at pictures of her as a wee little baby. I love being a mom more than anything and it's fun to have a day not only to be celebrated for it but to be reminded that I have the best job in the world.

a 27th year

This weekend was my 27th birthday and Blair's 26th. We packed in lots of fun, it was exhausting but great! I got a mani-pedi for the first time since... I don't know, my wedding? We went out to dinner (twice), got some time out without Ava, and I got some bathroom accessories! I'm so excited. Sadly, that was the best part of weekend I think! I put up the shower curtain (it totally transforms the room even with the unmatched blue walls) and Blair got me my soap pump and other sink necessities. I'm thrilled! Here's a progress shot of my lovely bathroom:

Just a baby step forward but it's something! It actually has an even bigger impact in real life, my phone camera isn't doing it justice. I also found on Craigslist a beautiful new vanity that I'm hoping we can get to replace this old one! We'll see if that works out.

Today Blair is working but this marks the beginning of his easier schedule for the summer. I am SO thankful. It was so nice to have him home these last couple days and I can't wait to start some of our summer projects and take some fun family day trips. Come on summer, I am ready for you!

bathroom renovation

Well, that would be my dream, but instead I'll settle for a few new accessories. I love our little home and am so thankful for the affordable rent, but some of the fixtures really leave something to be desired. I've tried multiple things to liven up our bathroom but none have really done the trick. This is our bathroom as it stands now--sadly this is actually scores better than what it looked like when we moved in.

We replaced the light fixture and the shelf below the mirror, plus added the medicine cabinet above the toilet for added storage and painted the vanity white.

I added a strip of thin molding and painted below it white to make the illusion of grand thick molding along the bottom of the wall. We also replaced the old vinyl tile.

I picked out the boring white shower curtain when I was sick and pregnant and couldn't make a decision but it does very little for the room

In this little pictures from my phone the bathroom actually looks better than it does in real life but it's still not the best! The good news: I have plans. Blair gave me the OK to buy some new towels--I love our towels but they are getting ratty and the same kind went on clearance at BB&B. I picked up a new set in my favorite blue color which will match the new shower curtain that I'll get soon, pictured below:

Though our budget is tight, on my wish list are these new accessories from target: a soap pump and tumbler in powdered bronze, plus new shower curtain hooks in the same finish.

I have already bought paint that is a brown somewhere in between camel and a starbucks latte. This will be a great backdrop to our blue towels! Then all we need is to take down that half-sized mirror and replace it with one that goes all the way down to the sink. I've also been keeping my eye on Craigslist for a new vanity, ours is pretty hideous close up, stained and chipped and the bottom is falling out! Hopefully I'll find a good deal soon and we can nab it.

So... these are my dreams. It may take months or years but someday I will make this bathroom into the beauty I have in my mind! I'll post pictures as the transformation takes hold. Hopefully this summer (aka soon) when Blair is home more and can watch Ava I can get the painting done and replace the mirror. I'm so excited! This sort of thing DEFINITELY energizes me.

Fresh Tea

I made iced tea yesterday and am enjoying my first refreshing glass while Ava naps. A combination of English Teatime and Mint Medley steeping for most of the day... delicious.

I have been feeling rather refreshed this week since returning from my mom's; even though it was tiring I think it gave me the boost I was needing. It's amazing how much a change of scenery can give you energy when sleep won't. I'm still struggling with feeling tired all the time but it's manageable and good to know I'm sharing the company of most mom's out there.

I wanted to share the list I came up with while I was away last weekend, my ideas for ways to energize myself during the day. Here are my thoughts:

1) Wake up before Ava and do yoga, even if just for a few minutes.

2) Sit outside during her naps when it's nice out.

3) Find things to do WITH Ava that are good for me like developing an exercise routine that she can be part of in the afternoon.

4) Plan ahead for healthy and "put together" (not thrown together) lunches and snacks that I can look forward to and will give me energy for the day. Do prep at night or during naps. Ideas: Chicken salad with grapes on lettuce and veggies, Tuna with fruit & veggies, Grilled sandwiches and soup, Chili with cornbread muffins, Taco salad with chicken and veggies.

5) Use Ava's AM nap (while Blair is still home) to go out-- go to Starbucks, go for a walk, or have a quiet time.

6) Set specific days for cleaning and laundry so it's not always on the to-do list.

7) Cook/bake more. Try new mini recipes for desserts, snacks and breakfasts. Ideas: banana bread, cinnamon rolls, homemade fruit leather or granola.

8) Make a comprehensive list of meal ideas for different occasions, sides, snacks, etc for easy and quick planning. Weed out the recipes that I never use to simplify my recipe book.

9) Take the time to get more at Sam's Club so I have less to get at the grocery store when a quick trip is in order.

These are my thoughts, we'll see how it pans out. So far the lunch thing has been wonderful, I've had chicken salad and veggies everyday this week and it's been summery and delicious. Today I had leftover pizza and pepsi and I'm definitely feeling the difference in my energy and my attitude! Food really can lift your spirits when you're eating something that's well balanced, looks pretty and tastes great (especially when it involves just slicing a few veggies and scooping something out of a tupperware). I am far from a health-food fanatic but as I get older and energy isn't as abundant as it once was, I'm learning the worth of good nutrition and doing whatever it takes to feel my best.

I'm still alive!

For those following, I'm still here! I had a bad cold two weeks ago and then spent four days at my mom's this past weekend. I've been busy and tired but hanging in there, it was good to get away this weekend and get a change of scenery. I'm still trying hard to take care of myself, rest when I'm tired and do things that energize me. I also got a little bit of alone time over the weekend to journal and jot down some ideas for the two things I've been trying to think about (and blogged about) these last few weeks. I'll share those soon but tonight: cleaning up in preparation for watching my friends son here tomorrow and making some food for Ava!

Side note: Today I made chicken salad and it made me happy! I had a beautiful lunch of chicken salad atop lettuce leaves and tomatoes. It was delicious. One of my ideas for how to energize myself more during the day is to take the time and energy to plan for and prepare good lunches, dinners (when I'm alone for dinner) and snacks so that I have a meal to look forward to and have plenty of fuel for the day. Plus, I love to cook so that time prepping is an added bonus. It's hard, today I didn't eat lunch until maybe 1:30 but it was worth the wait to get a really good meal in instead of a quick sandwich or leftovers. Victory!

Wanted: A Day Off

A year into this mom thing I'm realizing what a toll it takes to not have a day off. Other jobs you get to leave at the end of the day or at least at some point during the week but this one you don't! It's a joy and a constant energy user-uper. For the last few days I've been totally exhausted, feeling icky and achy and all I wanted was to take a nap (not a ten minute snooze before Ava wakes up, a REAL, take your pants off and sleep until you wake up nap). Thankfully, today I'm feeling a little bit better and Blair has given me a little time "off". Before Ava's afternoon nap (which she's taking now) Blair fed Ava while I did laundry (yes this is what I did with some of my time off) and then played with her while I went through the Starbucks drive-thru. Though not a long time off, it's still nice to know that she's not my responsibility for an hour. I've learned to take this time off in snapshots, teaspoons if you will--not totally satisfying but enough to give me a taste of relaxation. I've gotten better (though not great) at detaching more quickly so that I can enjoy more of my 37 minutes alone, totally without kid thoughts, instead of spending the first 30 minutes wondering if she's eating well and had her diaper changed and then spending the last 7 minutes driving home. This is a very developed skill I'm learning, an art even. The art of finding your center while stripping the beds of their sheets and learning to tune out the squeals from the kitchen and pretending you're really "alone".

I'm beginning to wonder now whether I'll ever arrive at having mastered this mom-thing. I'm thinking, just like with everything else, it is a constant negotiation, learn, change, re-learn and accept this slightly crazy life. As soon as I figure out how to make this schedule work for me and how to fit myself into it, it will change and I will have to change with it. I've been struggling these last couple months with feeling entitled, like it's "just not ok with me" to not have any time to myself or to have to give up this or that. Though there is truth in the importance of making yourself a priority, in whatever way that looks like to keep you sain and grounded, there's another part in which I'm entitled to nothing and deserve nothing. I can't demand anything of Blair, of Ava, of my life, only ask and then lean on Jesus for my needs. Though my next thought is usually, "I don't have time to lean on Jesus!"... this is one of those things that I'm realizing too. Leaning on Jesus doesn't take place during a quiet time, it happens amidst the chaos and takes just a whisper and a thought. That I can do.

So, today though I'm still feeling pretty overworked, underpaid (ha), and in need of a break, I'm thankful for the little snippets of time I do get to myself. I'm thankful that even though it feels like Blair works 24/7 I have a husband who loves me and who is a wonderful father and who IS around to help when I really need it. And I'm thankful that God won't give me more than I can handle, that I can handle a lot more than I thought I could, and that he's given me a brain capable of finding some pretty creative ways to find the release I need. I think I'm going to spend a little time in the next couple of days coming up with some ways to practically fit more things into my days that energize me. We'll see what I come up with! As I've begun thinking about it, this is a great exercise for learning more about yourself. Especially when the task is to find practical, everyday things that take less than 15 minutes (aka not playing a sport or going shopping, etc). I'll share my list later and you all (all 4 of you!) can learn a little more about me too.

It's Easter?

I feel like Easter has snuck up on me this year, I've spent almost zero time thinking about it this week and that makes me sad. The snippets I have gotten have been good though and I am still so thankful for what this holiday means. Even in the busyness of having a one-year-old, I've had numerous moments this past week, watching her be-bop around without a care in the world, where I felt so grateful that Jesus died so that my little girl might spend eternity with him. What an exciting and terrifying thought. I now am not only thankful for my own salvation but for the potential salvation of my daughter and it makes Christ's sacrifice that much more real and urgent for me. Thank you Jesus.

Today is a gorgeous day outside but I am feeling pretty yucky. I'm not sure what's up but I'm exhausted and my tummy isn't feeling 100%. Blair is working all day so it's just me--not ideal when I'm not feeling my best but I'm hanging in there and praying that Ava takes a long afternoon nap (which by the way, she is not). It takes a whole new strength on these days that God must bestow upon mom's at the birth of their child. All I want to do is take a three hour nap and do nothing for the rest of the day, but instead I will make lunch and dinner, clean up, play outside, change diapers, read stories and exert a lot of energy I don't have. It's wonderful though in a way--this day without Ava would have been a real downer. With her, it is hard but a neat look at what I can do, not what I can't, and it's amazing to see the energy she actually gives to me instead of just takes out of me. I might feel differently the first time I'm actually REALLY sick and home alone with her, but today God's given me grace.

On the subject of sick, it is amazing to me that I've been so healthy since she was born. Let's just stop for a moment and praise God for that. I think you all know but I got very sick around this time three years ago, I was hospitalized after having two back-to-back stomach viruses and never recovered. I lost a lot of weight, was very weak, and did very little but sleep and lie in bed feeling awful. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, an autoimmune disease called Sjogren's Syndrome, chronic migraines and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I was constantly very nauseous, had panic attacks, a lot of pain, muscle weakness, brain fog... I was out of commission. I missed weddings, almost never went out and when I did usually ended up crying in public, and I couldn't shower on the same day I had to do something else because the shower alone would exhaust me too much. Even as I write this I forget how bad it was. I remember months of sitting in the bathroom with Blair, sobbing because I wanted to badly to just throw up and get the nauseous feeling to go away.

I am recounting these details only in order to help you all understand what a complete miracle it is that I am healthy today. We consulted many doctors before getting pregnant and they eventually said, you may as well just start having kids because you may never get better. That was hard news to hear and it was hard to think of how we would raise a family with me so sick, but we wanted to move forward. So I got pregnant. All of my doctor's also said I would probably feel better while I was pregnant and get worse after I had the baby... that of course was not true for me. I felt awful pregnant, I had some good days but mostly felt horrible. But then, on March 14th, my water broke and my body got the jump start it needed. By God's grace and miracle-working hands I made it through 14 hours of difficult labor, pushed that baby out and haven't felt sick since (I mean really sick). For the first 6 weeks or so I kept waking up every day thinking I would feel sick again... waiting. But it never came. After awhile I stopped waiting and started celebrating and I now can't explain to you how thankful I am that I've had the energy to raise and enjoy my daughter.

Through all this though, even a year later, I still have anxiety when I feel a little sick. Is this the day? Is it all coming back? I've realized I have to just not think about it, I have to be thankful for the days I've had and pray that God will continue to bless me with health. So, today, I'll be thankful that even though I feel under the weather, I have enough energy to get out of bed and do what I need to do. Thank you Jesus for my health, for my family, for the sunshine and for saving me in many ways.

Dear breastfeeding, I will miss you.

Last night was the first night I didn't breastfeed Ava before bed and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do (emotionally) since becoming a mom! We had friends over (thank you Em and Erin for your support) which was a good distraction but I was weepy all night. Ava did pretty well, but she fussed a little through her sippy cup of cow's milk and during book time wanted to be with me and was pulling down my shirt. She definitely wanted to feed but despite a little crying when we put her down, she fell asleep quickly and slept through the night. Thank the Lord because if she'd really cried I might have given in!

Everything in my body was screaming, "You're making a big mistake! Start breastfeeding her all over again!" and for the first time I (almost) understood why there are women who breastfeed their eleven-year-olds. There's nothing like that connection, being able to simultaneously and perfectly nourish, calm and be intimate with your baby, and for me the physical feeling of producing milk made me feel so alive. It feels so unnatural today to feel so full of milk and not give it to her! But, I'm also getting more excited for this next stage, to watch Ava become more independent, to be able to take all the aspirin and cold medicine I want (ha!), and to discover new ways to foster that mommy-connection with my little girl.

The sun is shining again today and it is going to get up close to 70 degrees which is also helping. I can't wait to dress Ava in one of her cute summer outfits and to finally be able to play outside again after a week or two indoors!

In keeping with my nostalgic mood, here is a picture taken one year ago today, when my life WAS breastfeeding. :)

You left the toothpaste out

I've come up with a brilliant idea. If only I knew how to actual create something like this, I could make my millions! It's so much easier to leave the toothpaste on the bathroom sink (especially if you're like me and brush your teeth 80 times a day) but no one likes to actually see the ugly tube. So why don't they sell refillable dispensers for toothpaste like they do soap? Pump pump, your teeth are clean and your sink is beautifully coordinated. Am I really the first to think of this?

i love motrin and diamonds

It's been a rough few days. Blair was sick, Ava is teething (I think) and not sleeping well, so I literally haven't had a break in over a week or so. It's also rainy and cold, I got my monthly friend accompanied by crying and migraines and I'm just worn out! But, today there are three things I'm thankful for. 1) Motrin. I have been giving Ava tylenol for her invisible teeth and that's been doing nothing but it makes me feel better. Then a friend reminded me that Ave's old enough now to get ibuprofen. Ah! Victory! I gave her some before her nap and she's still asleep... two hours and counting. She hasn't slept this long in I don't even know how long. I REALLY needed this break and the added relief of knowing she's rested. 2) I like diamonds (even fake ones) and am thankful for them today. My mom got a discount on some Lia Sophia jewelry (www.liasophia.com) and I picked out a ring and a necklace which were delivered yesterday. I've been wearing this huge fake diamond ring around all day with my sweats and greasy hair--somehow it makes me feel glamorous and I love it.

3) Baby Kisses. Ava has learned to kiss (for real) and it warms my heart. Here she is kissing a picture of herself on the fridge.

Our Own Little Patch of Spring

In November I did my first ever planting job in our little garden patch out front. I promptly forgot about it until just a few days ago when little plants started sprouting up! I'm SO excited, not only that spring is here but also to see the "fruits" of my labor. Having never done this before, the planting process in the fall was very unsatisfying. I thought, I have to now wait three months to actually see these flowers? But, it'll all be worth it when we have some pretty purple flowers to greet us at the door this spring.

Blogging has been great for my outlook each day--something like this I may have previously had a brief and silent "yay" to myself and then moved on with my day. But, viewing my life with the filter of "What can I blog about today?" actually helps me to see all the great little things that happen and how much more exciting my life is than I thought. I have flowers! I have thoughts and stories and I make homemade goodies and baby mobiles in my free time. I'm interesting and one-of-a-kind!

Anger Feels Productive

This morning I woke up already a little angry. Ava started making noise earlier than I was ready to get up so... I grumbled. Then there were things left out from the night before that I had to clean up (which by the way took about one minute), the trash smelled awful and had to go out and then Ava was being defiant and wouldn't drink her milk. This does not spell catastrophe but end to end those little things started to boil up in me a little anger, a little self-righteous, "I don't deserve this" sort of feeling.

After I put Ava down for her nap and started some laundry, I decided to read some old posts from a blog that I love. This is no ordinary blog but an incredibly insightful and devotional oriented blog from a friend of mine. His name is Tony Pisani, he is a Marriage and Family Therapist and was one of my professors at the University of Rochester Medical Center when I did a short stint in their MFT grad program. He is an amazing man, a believer, and incredibly wise. He gave me a book when I left the program to pursue ministry instead of therapy called "Seeing with New Eyes", a fantastic resource infusing counseling theory and pop-psychology with biblical truth. Anyway, all that to say I admire him and love this blog and what he has to share (the blog address is http://www.biblicalproductivity.org/ for those who want to check out the whole post).

In a post from February 25, 2009 he writes about the "Biblical truth about anger". One sentence that really caught my eye was this, "The feeling that our anger is productive for justice is so seductive". How true! The draw to anger as a way to fix a hurt or wrong doing feels so natural and right sometimes. And yet in James 1:20 we're reminded that, "for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." Even though sometimes it really feels like it might! Secondly, Tony talks about the importance of trusting in God's wrath as an antidote to anger. All sins will be accounted for and brought to justice--we don't need to do that job for him.

Now, all of these "sins" against me this morning were not sins at all but really my own sin in feeling entitled to something better. But, the lessons still stand to help work through those little angers instead of letting them build and build into a day of bitterness. I have a one-year-old and I live with a man. I live in a fallen world. Things are bound to go awry! But I can be joyful in knowing that God is sovereign over it all and that he is calling me to a different way by which I will grow in righteousness.

Tile Print by the Yard

Here is a swatch of fabric that I love right now. Pottery Barn sells it by the yard but no longer has this pattern for their sheets and pillows and things. I would LOVE to get my hands on the sheets or the green version of their upholstery!

Art and Meatballs

I have been trying to spend more of my down time doing things that energize me. Today during Ava's afternoon nap I spent an hour drawing pictures on our calendar (ha!) and then decided to try my hand at homemade chicken meatballs. It was a great two hours for me and definitely recharged me for the evening with my crazy little girl.

I was never interested in helping my mom cook growing up or learning how, but since I got married my skill and enjoyment of the whole process has gradually increased. I started out with very little clue but I think I've reached a point where I can actually be called a "good cook". It dawned on me today though while I was spending my free time cooking--I think I might actually like cooking! I never thought I would be that person but there are aspects of it that I really enjoy. I like being creative with recipes and I love the presentation, especially when there are guests involved! This was a good thing for me to realize. I am Kathryn and I like to cook!

Midnight

Two nights in a row now I've been up until after midnight (which is very late for me) but I've enjoyed it! I've been working on a mobile/chandelier for my friend Lauren's nursery and I love this sort of craft project. It is right up my ally both design-wise and creatively--I enjoy projects that are useful and take time and skill. This one has been more challenging than the one I made for our living room but I've enjoyed figuring out the design. It is made of different sized circles which are harder to measure as I make each strand but it's a great way to engage my mind in a way I don't get to every day. Here is a picture of the first cross-section of baby Cutter's mobile!

Coffee on the Porch

Ava is napping and I've decided to sit out on our back porch and drink coffee. Not fluff last nights laundry or get Ava's lunch ready or mop the floor or even take a nap. Part of my new "leaf" will be choosing to take time for myself even when there are other things to do. It will all get done eventually or else I'll realize it wasn't that important anyway. Besides, there are few things more rejuvenating I think than sitting outside on a 60 degree morning with some coffee and my thoughts!

Yesterday was a wonderful day, way up there as far as days go. My friends Emily and Erin came over with their kids around 9am and we went for a long walk, then played outside until noon! It was so refreshing to have fun, adult conversation and to get a couple long hours outside. This time of year in State College it starts to tease you with springtime weather and this week we've had a number of sunny days in a row. What a difference it makes! I am feeling more motivated, productive, active and happy and it is a HUGE thing for a mom to finally be able to play with your kid outside! Especially with our one car, I spend the majority of my time at home and Ava rarely gets to leave the house so this is a major step up. Thank you Lord for the sunshine and all the chemicals you've designed to fire good feelings in our brains when we bask in it.

The second great thing about yesterday was that Blair was home for the night and we had a nice, long talk. He's home for a whole night maybe once every two weeks or so and so this was definitely special. We needed the time together and had a lot to talk about. I was skeptical but actually went to bed feeling really good about what we accomplished in our talk (i'm sure the word "accomplish" gives some insight into how i process things!) and it helped to connect us too which was much needed.

I won't recount the whole conversation but I learned something about myself and how I relate to Blair. In relating to others, I struggle with the desire for them to see me in a good light--not to please them persay but for them to hold me on a pedestal, to marvel at me, to see me as exceptional in whatever area is relevant. For those that are familiar with core lies, this fits right in with mine. A way I've manipulated this outcome successfully over the years is by finding a void in someone's life and filling it--making myself necessary to them--and I became quite good at it. Thankfully through college and in the 5 years since the Holy Spirit has done some great work to make me aware of this tendency and to rid my life of it, but there is always that temptation. However, the strange realization last night was that I feel the exact opposite when it comes to Blair. I struggle with not wanting him to see a great change in me because that will surely bring on a horribly uncomfortable conversation (for me) of praise and admiration that I want to avoid. And if he needs me? I see it as weakness or I fear it because I want him to be self-sustaining so he's always available to take care of me. In others I see brokenness and I'm drawn to it, I want to fix and heal and encourage. Though there is a lot of sin involved I've also begun to see that this is a great gift of mine when used for God's glory. But with Blair--I see brokenness and it freaks me out! I don't want to be involved, get it fixed and come back when you're available for ME.

Why is this? That is today's question. Any insight via email would be welcome! Things I've come up with so far but don't make a coherent answer: 1) I think I believe that if I meet Blair's needs he will suck me dry and I will spend the rest of my life giving and exhausted. Even though when I do this for others it is energizing and life-giving for both them and me. 2) There may be a parallel to my mom's failed marriages and relationships with men in general. She is a definite need-filler and draws broken people to her for that reason. And, I've watched that scenario not end well for her. I hesitate to make that my main ah ha moment because I've been aware of this in her for a long time and purposely "picked" (if you will) a husband who is not the life-sucking type. But... regardless, I may have stored that cause-effect relationship in my mind and didn't realize it.

Lastly, I am utterly confused as to why I don't want to be held in high esteem by Blair, praised openly, or for him to know that a big spiritual change is occurring in me. When I think of it, of course I would want those things! I want "my husband" (when I think of it none-personally) to think the world of me, to speak highly of me to others and to think I'm the best thing that ever happened. But when I bring that thought down to my actual life, there's something terrifying about that. Why? I have no idea. It really boggles my mind. There's something also connected to the fact that I've gone super anti-emotional and anti-romance since we got married, both of which were intact while we were dating and engaged. Again, when I think about it of course I want to be romanced and wooed but... somehow that doesn't translate to real life. I think this is definitely a symptom of some other issue but what I'm not entirely sure. Another thing to ponder.

Anyway, so those are some things that are on my mind today. It was wonderful though to spend that time with Blair and leave feeling a lot more on the same page than before. We've also agreed to come up with some little things that we can build into our week to help us stay connected. Not a date night or a date lunch or anything like that because we just don't have a schedule where that is possible. But little things that we can do for each other that would go a long way to communicate love despite our limited time together. I will keep you posted on what those end up being and how it goes but I am really excited at the prospect of change in that area.

In keeping with my desire to also use this as a way to express my creative interests, here is a photo to share with you all. I am very into interior decorating and follow a blog that I love called COCOCOZY. This is a picture of a bedroom but it has a lot of similar elements to our living room. I love the colors, the beachy feel but yet very put together and slightly elegant. This chandelier is very similar to the one I made for our living room and the lamp by the bed is almost exactly like the one we have. It's fun to see a real designer do a room that's so similar to what I've done, it makes me feel like I might have a slight idea what I'm doing but also gives me inspiration to complete the look.

Today was a pretty good day. I feel better already having initiated this blog process and made a step towards change. There are many things I'd like to change about my life but let's be clear: I love my little Ava baby, I love my husband and I do really love my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom and have no qualms about "giving up a career" or anything like that. There are parts of me that have totally come alive since I had Ava, my life definitely feels more fulfilling in one sense but in another, I've lost that depth of self, of spending the majority of my time thinking about me. Ha! To think I used to journal for literally hours and work through all my thoughts. With all that I got done you'd think the world would have ceased working by now with all the "not-thinking" I've been doing. But, I do love the skeleton of my life--the part that if written on paper would seem dreamy and exactly what I wanted. But the meat... something is missing there and I'm out to discover it.

There is little to be discovered I guess from a Jesus-centered point of view. What I most definitely need is a hearty dose of Him. That will be step one. But I've come to that conclusion numerous times over the last year and still very little has changed. I think I'm hesitant to just tape memory verses to the refrigerator and take ten minutes before I start the laundry to pray and read the Bible. I've tried this but there's something missing. Not in Him of course but in me. There is no excitement, I'm not passionate about a single-serving of Jesus. I guess you could argue that that's better than nothing but I suppose I'm waiting for something even better. What exactly, I'm not sure.

I think to an extent I'm afraid of too much emotion and the vulnerability that comes with letting God into all the nooks and crannies of my very organized existence. I've been here before and I know it's always better once I do but... it's scary. I like to be in control. I like things that are predictable, I like feeling self-sufficient, and yet right now I feel incredibly needy so I'm definitely not fulfilling my own goals! Oh boy. It is also hard for me to let people into this part of the process--well, no, just the process at all. I don't like that this entry is long, and I haven't even gotten to what I thought I was going to say, and it won't tie up in a pretty little bow at the end with a conclusion and a point. But, I guess that's why God inspired me to start this blog. To, in a small way, let people into the mess a little. And to help me meander my way through as I tackle my life's topics, or nuggets of topics. And to know it's okay not to make conclusions or even have a complete thought in one sitting. I only have eight or so minutes anyway, what can I really expect? Only to be real, to be honest with myself, and to move forward.

As I read over what I just wrote I had another thought. In talking about how I used to think about myself all the time and always be working on something... in a way I think I am still thinking about myself way too much. So that can't be my ultimate goal, to find time to think about me. I'm doing that already, only it's coming in the form of self-preservation. Scheduling, planning, getting angry whenever the trash is overflowing or the thing I thought should get done now isn't getting done. Aren't all of these things me-thoughts? I'm just not using that selfish energy for any good, self-benefiting (or husband-benefiting) things. Well, the list of what I'd like to work on just got longer but at least, ah ha! a semi-coherent thought to end on. That's something.

A Hopeful Outlet

Trusted friends. Welcome to my thoughts! This is my new blog--not a blog about Ava or my family (though I'm sure those will be frequently mentioned), just me. I've been struggling the past few months with many things, including being content, being joyful in uncertain circumstances, relying on God to meet my needs and figuring out my identity apart from my beautiful daughter. I love her more than anything but I'm ready to rejuvenate my passion for different things that don't include motherhood, to start thinking again about my own growth, not just hers, and to grow as a woman, not just a mom. The problem is, I feel like I get about eight minutes to myself during the day. During this time I will often update my facebook status to something usually resembling Ava's actual status instead of my own, or respond to an email or (shocker) take a shower. I understand that my life as a mom comes with limited alone time but what I'm not okay with is choosing to forfeit all things that make me me and keep me grounded in who I am. I'm SO thankful for the part of me that gets to be a mom, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but with all that comes with it I need to be reminded of who I am in the Lord, what I like, what I don't like, what I want to work on, what I want to learn, and how to find time to devote to those things.

So... this is my first attempt. I've hit my breaking point and it's time for an outlet. I'm open-minded as far as what this will be for me, starting with a place to share things I'm thinking about both emotionally, spiritually and creatively. There is comfort and accountability in knowing someone else may be reading this but I would like to begin with just trusted friends so I feel the freedom to share. This is also a tangible way for me to process through my thoughts which I desperately need right now in order for it to get done! Whatever it turns into, I hope you'll enjoy walking alongside me as I figure some things out (Lord willing).