Dear breastfeeding, I will miss you.

Last night was the first night I didn't breastfeed Ava before bed and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do (emotionally) since becoming a mom! We had friends over (thank you Em and Erin for your support) which was a good distraction but I was weepy all night. Ava did pretty well, but she fussed a little through her sippy cup of cow's milk and during book time wanted to be with me and was pulling down my shirt. She definitely wanted to feed but despite a little crying when we put her down, she fell asleep quickly and slept through the night. Thank the Lord because if she'd really cried I might have given in!

Everything in my body was screaming, "You're making a big mistake! Start breastfeeding her all over again!" and for the first time I (almost) understood why there are women who breastfeed their eleven-year-olds. There's nothing like that connection, being able to simultaneously and perfectly nourish, calm and be intimate with your baby, and for me the physical feeling of producing milk made me feel so alive. It feels so unnatural today to feel so full of milk and not give it to her! But, I'm also getting more excited for this next stage, to watch Ava become more independent, to be able to take all the aspirin and cold medicine I want (ha!), and to discover new ways to foster that mommy-connection with my little girl.

The sun is shining again today and it is going to get up close to 70 degrees which is also helping. I can't wait to dress Ava in one of her cute summer outfits and to finally be able to play outside again after a week or two indoors!

In keeping with my nostalgic mood, here is a picture taken one year ago today, when my life WAS breastfeeding. :)

You left the toothpaste out

I've come up with a brilliant idea. If only I knew how to actual create something like this, I could make my millions! It's so much easier to leave the toothpaste on the bathroom sink (especially if you're like me and brush your teeth 80 times a day) but no one likes to actually see the ugly tube. So why don't they sell refillable dispensers for toothpaste like they do soap? Pump pump, your teeth are clean and your sink is beautifully coordinated. Am I really the first to think of this?

i love motrin and diamonds

It's been a rough few days. Blair was sick, Ava is teething (I think) and not sleeping well, so I literally haven't had a break in over a week or so. It's also rainy and cold, I got my monthly friend accompanied by crying and migraines and I'm just worn out! But, today there are three things I'm thankful for. 1) Motrin. I have been giving Ava tylenol for her invisible teeth and that's been doing nothing but it makes me feel better. Then a friend reminded me that Ave's old enough now to get ibuprofen. Ah! Victory! I gave her some before her nap and she's still asleep... two hours and counting. She hasn't slept this long in I don't even know how long. I REALLY needed this break and the added relief of knowing she's rested. 2) I like diamonds (even fake ones) and am thankful for them today. My mom got a discount on some Lia Sophia jewelry (www.liasophia.com) and I picked out a ring and a necklace which were delivered yesterday. I've been wearing this huge fake diamond ring around all day with my sweats and greasy hair--somehow it makes me feel glamorous and I love it.

3) Baby Kisses. Ava has learned to kiss (for real) and it warms my heart. Here she is kissing a picture of herself on the fridge.

Our Own Little Patch of Spring

In November I did my first ever planting job in our little garden patch out front. I promptly forgot about it until just a few days ago when little plants started sprouting up! I'm SO excited, not only that spring is here but also to see the "fruits" of my labor. Having never done this before, the planting process in the fall was very unsatisfying. I thought, I have to now wait three months to actually see these flowers? But, it'll all be worth it when we have some pretty purple flowers to greet us at the door this spring.

Blogging has been great for my outlook each day--something like this I may have previously had a brief and silent "yay" to myself and then moved on with my day. But, viewing my life with the filter of "What can I blog about today?" actually helps me to see all the great little things that happen and how much more exciting my life is than I thought. I have flowers! I have thoughts and stories and I make homemade goodies and baby mobiles in my free time. I'm interesting and one-of-a-kind!

Anger Feels Productive

This morning I woke up already a little angry. Ava started making noise earlier than I was ready to get up so... I grumbled. Then there were things left out from the night before that I had to clean up (which by the way took about one minute), the trash smelled awful and had to go out and then Ava was being defiant and wouldn't drink her milk. This does not spell catastrophe but end to end those little things started to boil up in me a little anger, a little self-righteous, "I don't deserve this" sort of feeling.

After I put Ava down for her nap and started some laundry, I decided to read some old posts from a blog that I love. This is no ordinary blog but an incredibly insightful and devotional oriented blog from a friend of mine. His name is Tony Pisani, he is a Marriage and Family Therapist and was one of my professors at the University of Rochester Medical Center when I did a short stint in their MFT grad program. He is an amazing man, a believer, and incredibly wise. He gave me a book when I left the program to pursue ministry instead of therapy called "Seeing with New Eyes", a fantastic resource infusing counseling theory and pop-psychology with biblical truth. Anyway, all that to say I admire him and love this blog and what he has to share (the blog address is http://www.biblicalproductivity.org/ for those who want to check out the whole post).

In a post from February 25, 2009 he writes about the "Biblical truth about anger". One sentence that really caught my eye was this, "The feeling that our anger is productive for justice is so seductive". How true! The draw to anger as a way to fix a hurt or wrong doing feels so natural and right sometimes. And yet in James 1:20 we're reminded that, "for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." Even though sometimes it really feels like it might! Secondly, Tony talks about the importance of trusting in God's wrath as an antidote to anger. All sins will be accounted for and brought to justice--we don't need to do that job for him.

Now, all of these "sins" against me this morning were not sins at all but really my own sin in feeling entitled to something better. But, the lessons still stand to help work through those little angers instead of letting them build and build into a day of bitterness. I have a one-year-old and I live with a man. I live in a fallen world. Things are bound to go awry! But I can be joyful in knowing that God is sovereign over it all and that he is calling me to a different way by which I will grow in righteousness.

Tile Print by the Yard

Here is a swatch of fabric that I love right now. Pottery Barn sells it by the yard but no longer has this pattern for their sheets and pillows and things. I would LOVE to get my hands on the sheets or the green version of their upholstery!

Art and Meatballs

I have been trying to spend more of my down time doing things that energize me. Today during Ava's afternoon nap I spent an hour drawing pictures on our calendar (ha!) and then decided to try my hand at homemade chicken meatballs. It was a great two hours for me and definitely recharged me for the evening with my crazy little girl.

I was never interested in helping my mom cook growing up or learning how, but since I got married my skill and enjoyment of the whole process has gradually increased. I started out with very little clue but I think I've reached a point where I can actually be called a "good cook". It dawned on me today though while I was spending my free time cooking--I think I might actually like cooking! I never thought I would be that person but there are aspects of it that I really enjoy. I like being creative with recipes and I love the presentation, especially when there are guests involved! This was a good thing for me to realize. I am Kathryn and I like to cook!

Midnight

Two nights in a row now I've been up until after midnight (which is very late for me) but I've enjoyed it! I've been working on a mobile/chandelier for my friend Lauren's nursery and I love this sort of craft project. It is right up my ally both design-wise and creatively--I enjoy projects that are useful and take time and skill. This one has been more challenging than the one I made for our living room but I've enjoyed figuring out the design. It is made of different sized circles which are harder to measure as I make each strand but it's a great way to engage my mind in a way I don't get to every day. Here is a picture of the first cross-section of baby Cutter's mobile!

Coffee on the Porch

Ava is napping and I've decided to sit out on our back porch and drink coffee. Not fluff last nights laundry or get Ava's lunch ready or mop the floor or even take a nap. Part of my new "leaf" will be choosing to take time for myself even when there are other things to do. It will all get done eventually or else I'll realize it wasn't that important anyway. Besides, there are few things more rejuvenating I think than sitting outside on a 60 degree morning with some coffee and my thoughts!

Yesterday was a wonderful day, way up there as far as days go. My friends Emily and Erin came over with their kids around 9am and we went for a long walk, then played outside until noon! It was so refreshing to have fun, adult conversation and to get a couple long hours outside. This time of year in State College it starts to tease you with springtime weather and this week we've had a number of sunny days in a row. What a difference it makes! I am feeling more motivated, productive, active and happy and it is a HUGE thing for a mom to finally be able to play with your kid outside! Especially with our one car, I spend the majority of my time at home and Ava rarely gets to leave the house so this is a major step up. Thank you Lord for the sunshine and all the chemicals you've designed to fire good feelings in our brains when we bask in it.

The second great thing about yesterday was that Blair was home for the night and we had a nice, long talk. He's home for a whole night maybe once every two weeks or so and so this was definitely special. We needed the time together and had a lot to talk about. I was skeptical but actually went to bed feeling really good about what we accomplished in our talk (i'm sure the word "accomplish" gives some insight into how i process things!) and it helped to connect us too which was much needed.

I won't recount the whole conversation but I learned something about myself and how I relate to Blair. In relating to others, I struggle with the desire for them to see me in a good light--not to please them persay but for them to hold me on a pedestal, to marvel at me, to see me as exceptional in whatever area is relevant. For those that are familiar with core lies, this fits right in with mine. A way I've manipulated this outcome successfully over the years is by finding a void in someone's life and filling it--making myself necessary to them--and I became quite good at it. Thankfully through college and in the 5 years since the Holy Spirit has done some great work to make me aware of this tendency and to rid my life of it, but there is always that temptation. However, the strange realization last night was that I feel the exact opposite when it comes to Blair. I struggle with not wanting him to see a great change in me because that will surely bring on a horribly uncomfortable conversation (for me) of praise and admiration that I want to avoid. And if he needs me? I see it as weakness or I fear it because I want him to be self-sustaining so he's always available to take care of me. In others I see brokenness and I'm drawn to it, I want to fix and heal and encourage. Though there is a lot of sin involved I've also begun to see that this is a great gift of mine when used for God's glory. But with Blair--I see brokenness and it freaks me out! I don't want to be involved, get it fixed and come back when you're available for ME.

Why is this? That is today's question. Any insight via email would be welcome! Things I've come up with so far but don't make a coherent answer: 1) I think I believe that if I meet Blair's needs he will suck me dry and I will spend the rest of my life giving and exhausted. Even though when I do this for others it is energizing and life-giving for both them and me. 2) There may be a parallel to my mom's failed marriages and relationships with men in general. She is a definite need-filler and draws broken people to her for that reason. And, I've watched that scenario not end well for her. I hesitate to make that my main ah ha moment because I've been aware of this in her for a long time and purposely "picked" (if you will) a husband who is not the life-sucking type. But... regardless, I may have stored that cause-effect relationship in my mind and didn't realize it.

Lastly, I am utterly confused as to why I don't want to be held in high esteem by Blair, praised openly, or for him to know that a big spiritual change is occurring in me. When I think of it, of course I would want those things! I want "my husband" (when I think of it none-personally) to think the world of me, to speak highly of me to others and to think I'm the best thing that ever happened. But when I bring that thought down to my actual life, there's something terrifying about that. Why? I have no idea. It really boggles my mind. There's something also connected to the fact that I've gone super anti-emotional and anti-romance since we got married, both of which were intact while we were dating and engaged. Again, when I think about it of course I want to be romanced and wooed but... somehow that doesn't translate to real life. I think this is definitely a symptom of some other issue but what I'm not entirely sure. Another thing to ponder.

Anyway, so those are some things that are on my mind today. It was wonderful though to spend that time with Blair and leave feeling a lot more on the same page than before. We've also agreed to come up with some little things that we can build into our week to help us stay connected. Not a date night or a date lunch or anything like that because we just don't have a schedule where that is possible. But little things that we can do for each other that would go a long way to communicate love despite our limited time together. I will keep you posted on what those end up being and how it goes but I am really excited at the prospect of change in that area.

In keeping with my desire to also use this as a way to express my creative interests, here is a photo to share with you all. I am very into interior decorating and follow a blog that I love called COCOCOZY. This is a picture of a bedroom but it has a lot of similar elements to our living room. I love the colors, the beachy feel but yet very put together and slightly elegant. This chandelier is very similar to the one I made for our living room and the lamp by the bed is almost exactly like the one we have. It's fun to see a real designer do a room that's so similar to what I've done, it makes me feel like I might have a slight idea what I'm doing but also gives me inspiration to complete the look.

Today was a pretty good day. I feel better already having initiated this blog process and made a step towards change. There are many things I'd like to change about my life but let's be clear: I love my little Ava baby, I love my husband and I do really love my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom and have no qualms about "giving up a career" or anything like that. There are parts of me that have totally come alive since I had Ava, my life definitely feels more fulfilling in one sense but in another, I've lost that depth of self, of spending the majority of my time thinking about me. Ha! To think I used to journal for literally hours and work through all my thoughts. With all that I got done you'd think the world would have ceased working by now with all the "not-thinking" I've been doing. But, I do love the skeleton of my life--the part that if written on paper would seem dreamy and exactly what I wanted. But the meat... something is missing there and I'm out to discover it.

There is little to be discovered I guess from a Jesus-centered point of view. What I most definitely need is a hearty dose of Him. That will be step one. But I've come to that conclusion numerous times over the last year and still very little has changed. I think I'm hesitant to just tape memory verses to the refrigerator and take ten minutes before I start the laundry to pray and read the Bible. I've tried this but there's something missing. Not in Him of course but in me. There is no excitement, I'm not passionate about a single-serving of Jesus. I guess you could argue that that's better than nothing but I suppose I'm waiting for something even better. What exactly, I'm not sure.

I think to an extent I'm afraid of too much emotion and the vulnerability that comes with letting God into all the nooks and crannies of my very organized existence. I've been here before and I know it's always better once I do but... it's scary. I like to be in control. I like things that are predictable, I like feeling self-sufficient, and yet right now I feel incredibly needy so I'm definitely not fulfilling my own goals! Oh boy. It is also hard for me to let people into this part of the process--well, no, just the process at all. I don't like that this entry is long, and I haven't even gotten to what I thought I was going to say, and it won't tie up in a pretty little bow at the end with a conclusion and a point. But, I guess that's why God inspired me to start this blog. To, in a small way, let people into the mess a little. And to help me meander my way through as I tackle my life's topics, or nuggets of topics. And to know it's okay not to make conclusions or even have a complete thought in one sitting. I only have eight or so minutes anyway, what can I really expect? Only to be real, to be honest with myself, and to move forward.

As I read over what I just wrote I had another thought. In talking about how I used to think about myself all the time and always be working on something... in a way I think I am still thinking about myself way too much. So that can't be my ultimate goal, to find time to think about me. I'm doing that already, only it's coming in the form of self-preservation. Scheduling, planning, getting angry whenever the trash is overflowing or the thing I thought should get done now isn't getting done. Aren't all of these things me-thoughts? I'm just not using that selfish energy for any good, self-benefiting (or husband-benefiting) things. Well, the list of what I'd like to work on just got longer but at least, ah ha! a semi-coherent thought to end on. That's something.

A Hopeful Outlet

Trusted friends. Welcome to my thoughts! This is my new blog--not a blog about Ava or my family (though I'm sure those will be frequently mentioned), just me. I've been struggling the past few months with many things, including being content, being joyful in uncertain circumstances, relying on God to meet my needs and figuring out my identity apart from my beautiful daughter. I love her more than anything but I'm ready to rejuvenate my passion for different things that don't include motherhood, to start thinking again about my own growth, not just hers, and to grow as a woman, not just a mom. The problem is, I feel like I get about eight minutes to myself during the day. During this time I will often update my facebook status to something usually resembling Ava's actual status instead of my own, or respond to an email or (shocker) take a shower. I understand that my life as a mom comes with limited alone time but what I'm not okay with is choosing to forfeit all things that make me me and keep me grounded in who I am. I'm SO thankful for the part of me that gets to be a mom, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but with all that comes with it I need to be reminded of who I am in the Lord, what I like, what I don't like, what I want to work on, what I want to learn, and how to find time to devote to those things.

So... this is my first attempt. I've hit my breaking point and it's time for an outlet. I'm open-minded as far as what this will be for me, starting with a place to share things I'm thinking about both emotionally, spiritually and creatively. There is comfort and accountability in knowing someone else may be reading this but I would like to begin with just trusted friends so I feel the freedom to share. This is also a tangible way for me to process through my thoughts which I desperately need right now in order for it to get done! Whatever it turns into, I hope you'll enjoy walking alongside me as I figure some things out (Lord willing).