Ava is napping and I've decided to sit out on our back porch and drink coffee. Not fluff last nights laundry or get Ava's lunch ready or mop the floor or even take a nap. Part of my new "leaf" will be choosing to take time for myself even when there are other things to do. It will all get done eventually or else I'll realize it wasn't that important anyway. Besides, there are few things more rejuvenating I think than sitting outside on a 60 degree morning with some coffee and my thoughts!
Yesterday was a wonderful day, way up there as far as days go. My friends Emily and Erin came over with their kids around 9am and we went for a long walk, then played outside until noon! It was so refreshing to have fun, adult conversation and to get a couple long hours outside. This time of year in State College it starts to tease you with springtime weather and this week we've had a number of sunny days in a row. What a difference it makes! I am feeling more motivated, productive, active and happy and it is a HUGE thing for a mom to finally be able to play with your kid outside! Especially with our one car, I spend the majority of my time at home and Ava rarely gets to leave the house so this is a major step up. Thank you Lord for the sunshine and all the chemicals you've designed to fire good feelings in our brains when we bask in it.
The second great thing about yesterday was that Blair was home for the night and we had a nice, long talk. He's home for a whole night maybe once every two weeks or so and so this was definitely special. We needed the time together and had a lot to talk about. I was skeptical but actually went to bed feeling really good about what we accomplished in our talk (i'm sure the word "accomplish" gives some insight into how i process things!) and it helped to connect us too which was much needed.
I won't recount the whole conversation but I learned something about myself and how I relate to Blair. In relating to others, I struggle with the desire for them to see me in a good light--not to please them persay but for them to hold me on a pedestal, to marvel at me, to see me as exceptional in whatever area is relevant. For those that are familiar with core lies, this fits right in with mine. A way I've manipulated this outcome successfully over the years is by finding a void in someone's life and filling it--making myself necessary to them--and I became quite good at it. Thankfully through college and in the 5 years since the Holy Spirit has done some great work to make me aware of this tendency and to rid my life of it, but there is always that temptation. However, the strange realization last night was that I feel the exact opposite when it comes to Blair. I struggle with not wanting him to see a great change in me because that will surely bring on a horribly uncomfortable conversation (for me) of praise and admiration that I want to avoid. And if he needs me? I see it as weakness or I fear it because I want him to be self-sustaining so he's always available to take care of me. In others I see brokenness and I'm drawn to it, I want to fix and heal and encourage. Though there is a lot of sin involved I've also begun to see that this is a great gift of mine when used for God's glory. But with Blair--I see brokenness and it freaks me out! I don't want to be involved, get it fixed and come back when you're available for ME.
Why is this? That is today's question. Any insight via email would be welcome! Things I've come up with so far but don't make a coherent answer: 1) I think I believe that if I meet Blair's needs he will suck me dry and I will spend the rest of my life giving and exhausted. Even though when I do this for others it is energizing and life-giving for both them and me. 2) There may be a parallel to my mom's failed marriages and relationships with men in general. She is a definite need-filler and draws broken people to her for that reason. And, I've watched that scenario not end well for her. I hesitate to make that my main ah ha moment because I've been aware of this in her for a long time and purposely "picked" (if you will) a husband who is not the life-sucking type. But... regardless, I may have stored that cause-effect relationship in my mind and didn't realize it.
Lastly, I am utterly confused as to why I don't want to be held in high esteem by Blair, praised openly, or for him to know that a big spiritual change is occurring in me. When I think of it, of course I would want those things! I want "my husband" (when I think of it none-personally) to think the world of me, to speak highly of me to others and to think I'm the best thing that ever happened. But when I bring that thought down to my actual life, there's something terrifying about that. Why? I have no idea. It really boggles my mind. There's something also connected to the fact that I've gone super anti-emotional and anti-romance since we got married, both of which were intact while we were dating and engaged. Again, when I think about it of course I want to be romanced and wooed but... somehow that doesn't translate to real life. I think this is definitely a symptom of some other issue but what I'm not entirely sure. Another thing to ponder.
Anyway, so those are some things that are on my mind today. It was wonderful though to spend that time with Blair and leave feeling a lot more on the same page than before. We've also agreed to come up with some little things that we can build into our week to help us stay connected. Not a date night or a date lunch or anything like that because we just don't have a schedule where that is possible. But little things that we can do for each other that would go a long way to communicate love despite our limited time together. I will keep you posted on what those end up being and how it goes but I am really excited at the prospect of change in that area.
In keeping with my desire to also use this as a way to express my creative interests, here is a photo to share with you all. I am very into interior decorating and follow a blog that I love called COCOCOZY. This is a picture of a bedroom but it has a lot of similar elements to our living room. I love the colors, the beachy feel but yet very put together and slightly elegant. This chandelier is very similar to the one I made for our living room and the lamp by the bed is almost exactly like the one we have. It's fun to see a real designer do a room that's so similar to what I've done, it makes me feel like I might have a slight idea what I'm doing but also gives me inspiration to complete the look.
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