It's Easter?

I feel like Easter has snuck up on me this year, I've spent almost zero time thinking about it this week and that makes me sad. The snippets I have gotten have been good though and I am still so thankful for what this holiday means. Even in the busyness of having a one-year-old, I've had numerous moments this past week, watching her be-bop around without a care in the world, where I felt so grateful that Jesus died so that my little girl might spend eternity with him. What an exciting and terrifying thought. I now am not only thankful for my own salvation but for the potential salvation of my daughter and it makes Christ's sacrifice that much more real and urgent for me. Thank you Jesus.

Today is a gorgeous day outside but I am feeling pretty yucky. I'm not sure what's up but I'm exhausted and my tummy isn't feeling 100%. Blair is working all day so it's just me--not ideal when I'm not feeling my best but I'm hanging in there and praying that Ava takes a long afternoon nap (which by the way, she is not). It takes a whole new strength on these days that God must bestow upon mom's at the birth of their child. All I want to do is take a three hour nap and do nothing for the rest of the day, but instead I will make lunch and dinner, clean up, play outside, change diapers, read stories and exert a lot of energy I don't have. It's wonderful though in a way--this day without Ava would have been a real downer. With her, it is hard but a neat look at what I can do, not what I can't, and it's amazing to see the energy she actually gives to me instead of just takes out of me. I might feel differently the first time I'm actually REALLY sick and home alone with her, but today God's given me grace.

On the subject of sick, it is amazing to me that I've been so healthy since she was born. Let's just stop for a moment and praise God for that. I think you all know but I got very sick around this time three years ago, I was hospitalized after having two back-to-back stomach viruses and never recovered. I lost a lot of weight, was very weak, and did very little but sleep and lie in bed feeling awful. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, an autoimmune disease called Sjogren's Syndrome, chronic migraines and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I was constantly very nauseous, had panic attacks, a lot of pain, muscle weakness, brain fog... I was out of commission. I missed weddings, almost never went out and when I did usually ended up crying in public, and I couldn't shower on the same day I had to do something else because the shower alone would exhaust me too much. Even as I write this I forget how bad it was. I remember months of sitting in the bathroom with Blair, sobbing because I wanted to badly to just throw up and get the nauseous feeling to go away.

I am recounting these details only in order to help you all understand what a complete miracle it is that I am healthy today. We consulted many doctors before getting pregnant and they eventually said, you may as well just start having kids because you may never get better. That was hard news to hear and it was hard to think of how we would raise a family with me so sick, but we wanted to move forward. So I got pregnant. All of my doctor's also said I would probably feel better while I was pregnant and get worse after I had the baby... that of course was not true for me. I felt awful pregnant, I had some good days but mostly felt horrible. But then, on March 14th, my water broke and my body got the jump start it needed. By God's grace and miracle-working hands I made it through 14 hours of difficult labor, pushed that baby out and haven't felt sick since (I mean really sick). For the first 6 weeks or so I kept waking up every day thinking I would feel sick again... waiting. But it never came. After awhile I stopped waiting and started celebrating and I now can't explain to you how thankful I am that I've had the energy to raise and enjoy my daughter.

Through all this though, even a year later, I still have anxiety when I feel a little sick. Is this the day? Is it all coming back? I've realized I have to just not think about it, I have to be thankful for the days I've had and pray that God will continue to bless me with health. So, today, I'll be thankful that even though I feel under the weather, I have enough energy to get out of bed and do what I need to do. Thank you Jesus for my health, for my family, for the sunshine and for saving me in many ways.