Wanted: A Day Off

A year into this mom thing I'm realizing what a toll it takes to not have a day off. Other jobs you get to leave at the end of the day or at least at some point during the week but this one you don't! It's a joy and a constant energy user-uper. For the last few days I've been totally exhausted, feeling icky and achy and all I wanted was to take a nap (not a ten minute snooze before Ava wakes up, a REAL, take your pants off and sleep until you wake up nap). Thankfully, today I'm feeling a little bit better and Blair has given me a little time "off". Before Ava's afternoon nap (which she's taking now) Blair fed Ava while I did laundry (yes this is what I did with some of my time off) and then played with her while I went through the Starbucks drive-thru. Though not a long time off, it's still nice to know that she's not my responsibility for an hour. I've learned to take this time off in snapshots, teaspoons if you will--not totally satisfying but enough to give me a taste of relaxation. I've gotten better (though not great) at detaching more quickly so that I can enjoy more of my 37 minutes alone, totally without kid thoughts, instead of spending the first 30 minutes wondering if she's eating well and had her diaper changed and then spending the last 7 minutes driving home. This is a very developed skill I'm learning, an art even. The art of finding your center while stripping the beds of their sheets and learning to tune out the squeals from the kitchen and pretending you're really "alone".

I'm beginning to wonder now whether I'll ever arrive at having mastered this mom-thing. I'm thinking, just like with everything else, it is a constant negotiation, learn, change, re-learn and accept this slightly crazy life. As soon as I figure out how to make this schedule work for me and how to fit myself into it, it will change and I will have to change with it. I've been struggling these last couple months with feeling entitled, like it's "just not ok with me" to not have any time to myself or to have to give up this or that. Though there is truth in the importance of making yourself a priority, in whatever way that looks like to keep you sain and grounded, there's another part in which I'm entitled to nothing and deserve nothing. I can't demand anything of Blair, of Ava, of my life, only ask and then lean on Jesus for my needs. Though my next thought is usually, "I don't have time to lean on Jesus!"... this is one of those things that I'm realizing too. Leaning on Jesus doesn't take place during a quiet time, it happens amidst the chaos and takes just a whisper and a thought. That I can do.

So, today though I'm still feeling pretty overworked, underpaid (ha), and in need of a break, I'm thankful for the little snippets of time I do get to myself. I'm thankful that even though it feels like Blair works 24/7 I have a husband who loves me and who is a wonderful father and who IS around to help when I really need it. And I'm thankful that God won't give me more than I can handle, that I can handle a lot more than I thought I could, and that he's given me a brain capable of finding some pretty creative ways to find the release I need. I think I'm going to spend a little time in the next couple of days coming up with some ways to practically fit more things into my days that energize me. We'll see what I come up with! As I've begun thinking about it, this is a great exercise for learning more about yourself. Especially when the task is to find practical, everyday things that take less than 15 minutes (aka not playing a sport or going shopping, etc). I'll share my list later and you all (all 4 of you!) can learn a little more about me too.